The Beginning

I was living in a small two bedroom apartment with three kids, ages ranged from 3-10.  My home situation was not ideal.  Anger was always in the home.  I was very passive.  I didn't argue back for it just made matters worse.  I would sit quietly and take the words.  I would sit by as I watched doors, windows, and tv's get broken.  I sat by and watched.  I watched as my children cried.  I watched as on the surface, I appeared beautiful and fit.  Healthy and happy.  On the inside....I feared I had no other choice.  It was better to not be alone I told myself.  I couldn't survive on my own.  I tried that a few years earlier, and failed.  In reality, the only thing I had failed was myself.  (Yes police were contacted, no action was taken.)  Seeing how this is not a book...I'll jump through all that pain.  No need to keep that vibration active.  In it, I had learned a lesson.  That I can face trouble and pain and still be strong enough to watch.  To watch and deep down know that this would one day be a valuable lesson and that it would not be the end all that breaks me.

Through the good times we had, I wanted to do things.  Not have tv nights or shopping days.  I wanted air.  I wanted scenery.  I wanted nature and mother earth.  I had begged my partner to take a trip.  Something...anything! He wasn't for it.  One weekend I had decided that I didn't need him to give my heart what it craved.  I had been thinking about a place that I had always wanted to visit.  It was within my state, that I've always lived in, and I had never went.  I'm not sure why.  It seemed everyone, whether it had been friends, family, or significant others, thought it was on a whole different planet.  It was always too far, too much money, not enough time, etc etc.  How many times have you heard others shoot down your dreams?  Even a simple dream of a weekend getaway?  I decided I wanted to be my own person.  If I wanted to do something, I was going to do it.  So I did.

I picked a weekend.  Found a babysitter.  Tuned up my vehicle.  Organized alibis.  Yes, I had to have alibis.  God forbid I tell anyone what I wanted to do.  Let's side track for a moment.  It seems that whenever I have told most people about my plans or dreams, I am met with resistance.  They instill fear and what ifs and tear my ideas down.  Perhaps it's true fear for safety or perhaps it's jealousy.  Either way, I had noticed the trend and wasn't going to let someone else's fear determine my actions.  It was set.  I was headed for the red rocks of Moab, UT.

It late winter, with snow at my home.  I had just turned 27.  Never had I driven more than an hour beyond my hometown by myself.  Even those hour drives was only a handful and always ended in getting lost. The feeling I had when I set out was a feeling I'll never forget. A feeling I advise everyone to search for. I was on my own. Passing sites I've never seen. Huge windmills I never knew existed. Navigating steep and winding canyon roads with cliffs on one side. Then the barren desert with one lane each direction. I had lost cell service a few hours back. I was more than alone without a gps for guidance. It's a good thing society wasn't completely dependent on cell phones at that time, otherwise I may not have thought to print out my route before I left. The nervousness I felt as I hoped I wasn't getting lost. The changes of scenery was amazing. City, to canyon, to desert, to red rocks...all with snow capped mountains in the background. The mountains, the same mountains in the picture with this post, changed positions as I drove. It was an odd feeling to know I was suppose to head south but as the mountains changed their position in the sky, I hoped I was on the right path.



Enter...to....MOAB. If you are not familiar with Moab, it is home to the infamous Delicate Arch and Slickrock bike trail. It has been a Utah staple for as long as I remember. Which is odd to say the least considering the small amount of Utahns that venture out of the city to actually visit. Thanks to the current dynamic of social media and internet advertising, it is now a world destination. After driving for hours through mostly flat sagebrush, a person is met with grand red walls as they enter the Moab area.



The town was small and had a cute little main street. I had found myself a little Italian restaurant and treated myself to an expensive dish filled with spinach. Oh how I love spinach. I then found a hotel to book. Again, internet was not a huge part of my lifestyle at this point and I did little to no research before this trip. I had no idea what this town had to offer besides the bike trail and the arch. I drove around looking for the bike trail. I never did find it. All I saw was the valley of the town and huge cliffs surrounding it. I had noticed the warmth. It was at least 10 or 20 degrees warmer here than the town I had came from. I had to venture outdoors. I asked a local gas station if there was a trail I could run on. She suggested the high school track but didn't know much else. (Little did I know, this place had endless avenues to explore and I had just unluckily picked the wrong person to ask.) I went back to the hotel. As I pulled in this time, I noticed a parkway that lined a creek, just around the corner.


That path....that path had my heart. I jogged the whole length and back. In awe of it's serenity and peacefulness. Back to hotel for a shower and night's rest. Tomorrow would be my exploring day. As it was just a short weekend trip, I didn't have much time. With lack of information, I picked Arches National Park to explore. Just the drive past the entrance had me bursting with an energy I had never felt before. I pulled off the side of the road at the top and looked over the Moab town. I noticed a fault line across the gap and pondered the history of this place. I stood and soaked in a feeling of solitude. Good, wholesome, solitude. I could feel my soul.

For the first time...I COULD FEEL MY SOUL. I knew this was a special place. Maybe it was the place. Maybe it was thoughts racing through my mind of running away. The experience of doing something on my own. The mindset that I was alone and no one knew where I was. The thought that I did it. I was capable. I was capable of this. I was capable of doing things on my own. The fear that was holding me in my unhealthy relationship was fading. I was gaining a backbone. A book I have read since then mentioned that sometimes you have to go to the desert to find your bones before you can find your life. Looking back with this story, I can now fully appreciate what the author meant by that.

That trip to Moab on a winter day forever changed my life. I returned home with a new sense of self. A sense of empowerment. The wheels for change were in motion. Life only got better from there. Little did I know, many months down the road, I would meet a wonderful man....that would happen to be living in Moab. MOAB...the place that I felt alive! The place that inspired a new strength and then I was meeting someone from there. Eventually I would move to Moab to start a life with that man. A life I could never have imagined, filled with so much happiness and cooperation. A life without fear. A life without arguments or tears. A life where one can focus on the important things rather than a life of walking on eggshells.